the password for my personal blog has changed. if you had it and want the new one just message me because i’m too lazy to give it out to everyone again..if you didn’t have it before but want it now… message me and meh. (you wouldn’t want to read about my angsty life anyway :b)

I’m starting to get that restless feeling again.
The one where no matter what I’m doing, or how busy I am during the day, I find myself in my room late at night, questioning who I am, why I’m here, and how I can change any of it.
There’s never enough, and too much going on simultaneously and I cannot seem to find any sort of balance that keeps me even a little content.
I’m just trying to find some sort of stability somewhere, in something, anything, but I know I’m going to get too involved in whatever I try to make that be, and ruin it. 
I want to start writing, but I sit down to write and convince myself it’s a terrible idea, and move on to something else.
I’m hoping I can see a few old friends in the next few days because I really miss them. I guess it’s just a matter of texting them and seeing if I’m still worth their time.. (thoughiwouldn’tholdmybreath)
　 

Tomorrow I will be waking up at 6:30am to drive my dad to a job so he can fix something on a house he built, because some other crew messed it up. I have ot be back home before 9:00am because I’m driving my mom to work because I need her car for the day. After dropping her off, I’m going to work myself from 9:30-11:30 because I have so many make up tests and paperwork that needs to be filled out since it’s a hospital… and I haven’t been there since August. At 11:30, I’m running to my car and driving to the train station like it’s my job to catch a train into New York City to spend the day with my friends from Franklin before they go back to their respective states (Washington, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania). I won’t be taking a train back until 8:00pm at the earliest, which means I will not be back home until 10:00pm at the earliest (but I’m anticipating behing home around midnight), and then waking up around 7:00　am the next morning to help my dad do more work around the house.

My brother will wake up around noon, because he doesn’t go to school anymore, eat junk food and walk around the house in baggy basketball shorts and a beater, bitch at/about my family, go to “work” or whatever he does for a few hours, and then drive to his friend’s house to smoke up until he staggers in the door around 2am (if he even comes home).

we’reclearlythesameperson.

have you ever gotten that feeling that your role in life is significantly less than you have perceived it to be? that your expectations for certain situations are completely irrational because you don’t carry the sort of status that you previously believed you had?
i know that sounds incredibly pretentious, but i’ve sort of had that moment. i’ve had that moment a few times, but have tried to ignore it up until now (and i’m still going to surpress it because why the hell not?) but it really sucks. i’ve spent so many different occasions just sitting here waiting for someone to just talk to me but they have no reason to. it’s not like they will benefit from it in anyway; i’m just the one desperate for some kind of contact, but apparently unwilling to go out of my want to try and make it. either that or i already know the outcome and don’t want to waste my time with it. it’s just difficult because i know i need it, even though it’s only going to hurt. the empty feeling in my gut has become too great for me to ignore, but far too heavy and dark for me to face alone. 

i’m thinking i may need to get out of town for a little while. 
i’m going to talk to my aunt in dc and see if i can go down and spend a week with her in the city because i do not know how this is going to work.
this is not a safe environment, and i cannot subject myself to this kind of emotional abuse any longer. 

i think i should start talking to someone when i get back to the states.
i’ve been too fucked up for far too long to try and figure it out on my own anymore.
i’ve never really been for that whole thing, namely because i think it’s ridiculously stupid to pay someone to listen to you tell them how you feel and make assumptions about your life…but i know that what i’m doing now isn’t getting me anywhere. 
maybe this will all just go away once i get back to the states and can rebuild my life how i want it to be. or maybe the same thing will happen like it did when i came out here, and i’m three steps back from where i started..　

I will definitely be in American University for the Fall of 2012. I just heard back from one of the three schools, and they made an offer that I practically cannot refuse; nearly a 75% scholarship.It’s so relieving to know that I have something waiting for me when I get back, rather than just waiting and waiting until I get back there and not knowing if I’d have to move back out to Europe in the fall. Now I just have to wait from the other two schools and see what kind of offers I get (if I’m even accepted) and we’ll go from there. Either way, I’m incredibly ecstatic and everything has just completely taken a 180° turn for the better c: